Horrible things that need to be said
by parmakai66
Summary: Let’s just stick all our problems in the freezer and pull them out when it’s more convenient to deal with ‘em. More HOTCOP and Addison.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Private Practice is property of ABC and Shondaland. No infringement intended.

A/N: Okay, okay … I had to do it. (not to mention that y'all talked me into it) I'm supposed to be studying for my stats class … but this seemed more fun. More HOTCOP and Addison.

Timeline: Events in this story take place before, on or around _The Way We Were **AND** _follow in line with my other story ... shining knight. So it's best if you read that first.

Summary: Let's just stick all our problems in the freezer and pull them out when it's more convenient to deal with 'em.

_**The horrible things are … things that need to be said. **_

The backdrop of the pub was a welcomed change. A haze of cigarette smoke hung heavily in the air and peanut shells covered the worn wooden floors. The dark décor hid the years of dirt and neglect, but the atmosphere was inviting and warm. This wasn't a martini bar or clean posh billiards club that was her normal fare. It wasn't that kind of night.

At times the cheers from those watching the football game over-rode the murmur of voices or the laughter from the bar. The dark room held the aroma of food and sticky drinks. The sound of pool balls being cracked across a table pattered through the air. A jukebox pounded out a classic rock beat.

Only beer and hard liquor were served at this joint. Drinks came in chubby glasses that hadn't seen the inside of a dishwasher in years. The clientele had probably been there as long and newcomers were treated at first with a harsh cold stare. It was no where Addison would have gone alone. The place was so different from where her gang at the practice hung out, but not so alien from Joes in Seattle. Tonight it was home for Kevin, Addison and a couple of his friends.

"Are you playing slop or you going to call it?" Leslie prompted his partner. He had taken the break shot and the balls were scattered over the table.

Kevin eyed Addison standing next to him, hugging her cue. It was one of the few times he had seen her dressed down … in a pair of low rise jeans and plain white v-neck tee. She wasn't even wearing heels, opting instead for some casual black leather boots. She looked relaxed and really comfortable. "You're not a shark in disguise are you?" he asked picking up his bottle of beer.

"I can thread a needle, not put a ball in a hole," Addison replied with a sly grin. The comment garnered laughter from Leslie and Kent, Kevin's work buddies.

"Okay, doc, I see how you are," Kent commented. "Slop it is then. Addison you're up."

Addison's eyes opened wide and she looked at the three men nervously. "Okay," she replied slowly. "You do realized that I haven't played since … college right?"

"They have pool tables at Harvard?" Leslie asked taking a swig of his beer.

"Ha, ha," Addison mocked as she walked slowly around the table sizing up her shot. _I can do this, _she thought leaning over the table to aim. _If I can perform surgery on a baby before it's born, I can hit a ball with this stick into a hole,_ she tried to convince herself. She eyed the shot one final time and tapped the cue ball with the stick. The white ball traveled across the table, hitting the stripe and knocking it into the hole. _Thank god, _Addison thought standing up with a victorious smirk on her face.

"Uh oh!! Hustler!" Kent announced loudly to the entire bar. "Nelson you're holding out on us?"

Kevin plastered a cheesy grin on his face. _That's my girl, _he thought sharing a wink with Addison from the other side of the table. _This is going to be a great night after all. _

**…****!...**

Two hours and four games of pool later, Addison had retired from her game and was watching the boys play nine ball amongst themselves. The waitress brought a new round of drinks and she reveled in the comfort of being out with three guys that didn't give a shit about patients, office drama or other people's business.

Addison exhaled slowly before picking up a fresh bottle of beer. Just as she was taking a drink, her blackberry buzzed on the table top. She barely even flinched. _I'm not going to look, _she told herself glancing in Kevin's direction. _It might be the answering service, or Cooper, or Nay, _she tried to reason. _Or maybe, just maybe Archer or Derek, _she added on a whim. In her gut, she knew exactly who it was and that was no body she wanted to talk too. Not tonight, not ever.

"When are you going to let me answer that?" Kevin's voice whispered in her ear.

Addison turned her head toward his face just as he leaned over her to pick up the phone. "Is it?" she asked praying that it was someone other than Noah.

"Nobody," Kevin replied shoving the phone in his pocket. "Leslie wants to know if you want to go bowling," he said grabbing his drink.

"Right now?" Addison replied not taking her eyes off his face.

"No, in a couple nights," Kevin said, setting his drink down on the table. "You aren't afraid of breaking a nail are you?"

"No," Addison replied with a sarcastic tone.

"Is that a yes?" Kevin remarked not skipping a beat with her.

"Yeah," Addison replied. "But I'm…"

Kevin put his finger over her lips to shush her. "Don't say it Addison Montgomery. It's not a competition. It's you and I hanging out with Leslie and Sheila for some burgers and pins." He slid his hand over her cheek and trailed his fingertips down the side of her face.

Addison held his gaze and reached up to rest her hand on his wrist. "Will you throw my blackberry in the trash?" she asked quietly.

"I'll shoot it with my gun," he replied.

**…****!...**

A great start to any day is breakfast with a hot guy. And hot coffee. Hot coffee perfectly seasoned with cream and sugar. _Only sex would be better, but we're not there yet, _Addison thought as she walked into the building on Ocean Drive and headed toward the elevator. The door opened as soon as she hit the button and she stepped in the car. The doors were nearly closed when a slender brown arm blocked it.

Addison watched as Naomi jumped in at the last second and hit the button for four. "Morning," she mumbled at her friend.

"Morning," Naomi replied with a smile.

_That was fake, _Addison thought feeling really really awkward. "Cute shoes," she commented just to fill the air.

"Thanks," Naomi said looking downward. "Yours are too." Naomi glanced sideways at Addison and smiled.

_Fake and forced, _Addison noted thinking back to something Kevin had said at breakfast when they were people watching. It was an exercise he forced her to participate in, watching the people around them and making up stories about who they were. Addison had thought it was stupid at first, but over the weeks came to understand that it helped her calm down and not think about work. _Except when I try to speculate on what ailments they have, _she reminded herself with a smirk.

"How's it going on four?" Addison asked not really wanting to know the answer.

"Good. I redecorated," Naomi said. "And it's good."

"Great," Addison mumbled, wondering why the elevator was suddenly taking so long. _And why I didn't kiss Kevin after breakfast. _

"Hey whatever happened with that guy?" Naomi blurted out.

Panic rattled through Addison's veins. _Does she know about Kevin? Of course she knows about Kevin. He was at the hospital for crisssake, _Addison's mind raced. "Ah what guy?"

"The heart guy. The married one that you were into with the pregnant wife," Naomi replied. "What was his name?"

Just hearing the words aloud made Addison realize how dumb even thinking a relationship with him would have ever worked out. _How many more things could be against me? _she wondered. _It was all complicated and wrong. So, so morally wrong._

"Noah," she finally said staring up at the numbers on the elevator car.

"Noah, yeah," Naomi said nodding her head. "How did that work out?"

"I ah," Addison stammered stopping herself from saying too much to this woman that left her life. She wanted to tell Naomi everything, but she didn't want to be judged. She had spilled her guts to Naomi in the beginning. In the end, Naomi dumped her … just like Derek did. Played her just like Noah did. She didn't deserve to know anything more than nothing. "I ah… I did the right thing."

"That's good," Naomi said slowly.

The doors of the car opened before Naomi had opportunity to say another word. Addison watched her step into the hall and held her breath until the doors closed again.

**…****.!....**

"Have you been downstairs lately?" Addison asked Sam as she walked into the kitchen.

"No," he replied as he messed with his breakfast. "I don't make it a practice to check out the competition."

"Huh," Addison grunted as she pulled a jug of juice from the fridge.

Sam could tell that his response wasn't what she wanted to hear. "Why?"

"It's decorated just like our office," Addison replied with an indignant tone. "What, she goes downstairs and remakes their office to match …! Ugh, I don't know what she's trying to prove!" Addison threw her hands up just as Cooper walked into the kitchen. "I'm done," she whispered just as Cooper went off on a tirade.

"Addison, will you tell the man that married his college sweetheart that the best way to get over a breakup is to throw yourself into another relationship. Drunken impulsive rebound hiring! That's what we need to do!" Cooper rambled as he stuffed a strawberry in his mouth. When neither Sam nor Addison said anything he looked up and glanced at both of them. "What?"

"We made a pack," Addison said staring at the bottle of green stuff.

"Addison and I are going to ignore our problems," Sam said flatly.

"We're not going to talk or think about them at work and in some cases never," she said firmly. "That just screws things up."

"We're going to be strong, in denial, but strong," Sam said staring intently into his cereal.

"Strong," Addison agreed.

Cooper stared at both of them and shook his head. "Like that's healthy," he mumbled walking out of the kitchen.

**…****!...**

TBC – yea … for real this time.


	2. Chapter 2

Horrible Things Part two.

Being strong and denying the obvious only gets you so far in life. Addison walked out of Mrs. Larsen's room and caught sight of Noah in the hallway. She ducked around the corner and pulled her blackberry out of her pocket, feverishly dialing Kevin's number before Noah tried to talk to her.

"Nelson."

"Hey, it's me," Addison said when he answered the phone. Just the sound of his voice calmed her down. She glanced around the corridor checking for the enemy and then stepped into an empty room to continue her conversation with Mr. SWAT. "I need some advice."

"If it's on how to take out your stalker, I need you to know I could get fired for that," Kevin joked with her.

"Yeah, that would be nice, since he's just down the hall staring at me, but that's not it," she said with a grimace. Addison could only wish that Kevin would make Noah go away. "I need some legal advice …. like law enforcement advice," she said sitting down on a chair.

"Okay," Kevin replied.

Addison detailed the circumstances as best she could without revealing anything that fell under the patient doctor confidentiality clause. After she rambled for a good fifteen minutes she finally took a breath and paused.

"What do you think?"

"I think someone needs to confront them," he said plainly. "I can talk to the detective on the case to come up…"

"Kevin, I think it needs to come from me," Addison interrupted. "I have a relationship with her. Maybe she'll be more willing to talk if it comes from me."

"Addison, if this woman stabbed her husband, I don't want you anywhere near…."

"Kev, she's already in custody on the jail floor. Handcuffed to a bed," Addison chuckled. "How dangerous can she be?"

"Okay," Kevin replied slowly. "Just don't do anything until I get up there okay?" he asked quietly. "I'll get the detective working the case and come up there as soon as I can. Promise that you'll wait. Addison? Don't say yes and then bulldog your way in there anyway, because that's the wrong thing to do."

"Are you trying to tell me what to do again?"

"Yes," he replied firmly. "And if you like me even just a little bit, you'll listen. You called me for advice remember?"

…**!...**

Having the truth hit you in the face is startling. Sickening. Standing just inside the door to the daughter's room as she told Cooper and the detective how she stabbed her father rattled Addison to the core. She had darted from the room and practically ran to the corner before stopping and slumping against the wall. Addison couldn't fight the tears welling up in her throat and while she felt some empathy for this family, she suspected the ache she felt had nothing to do with them and everything to do with herself.

Addison had gone through more in the past few months than most people did in their lifetime. Most of it wasn't even her junk, yet she was sucked in all the same. This case was the thing that tipped the scale of her understanding. After the girl's confession, she couldn't even think straight or hold an intelligent conversation with Cooper or Sam. All she wanted to do was go home and not think about it anymore. It was hard to avoid the hurt, because it was everywhere, her personal life, her work life, with her patients and her friends.

…**!...**

All the lights were off but one when he pulled into the drive. She hadn't asked him to come over, but he knew that she wouldn't turn him away. They had spent many nights the past month together rekindling their relationship as friends. They were both hurt inside and needed this link to help heal. After what happened today, he was sure Addison needed him in ways she never imagined.

Kevin let himself in and reset the alarm before it notified the security company of an intruder. The house was quiet and except for the light in the upstairs hall, the house was dark. He made his way up the stairs, senses on alert for any sound or clue to where she was hiding. A splash of water gave it all away.

He stopped in the bedroom, pulled his revolver off his belt and laid it on the dresser. As he walked to the door of the master bath he noticed it was steamy warm and filled with glowing candle light. Kevin peeked his head around the corner and squinted his eyes until they adjusted to the darkness before he made his approach.

"Hey," he called to her through the dark of the room.

"Hey yourself," she said as he walked toward the soaking tub. The candlelight illuminated the mounds of soapy bubbles and the delicate outline of her skin.

"You trying to get the fire department to respond here?" he asked as he surveyed the room.

"If it numbs my heart," she replied.

The sadness in her voice was clear. The empty glass of wine on the side of the tub set up a scenario he didn't even want to consider, but his law enforcement instinct did. _If I hadn't shown up, would I be viewing her in the city morgue, _he wondered sitting on the edge of the tub.

"I'm broken Kevin," she mumbled softly.

"That's not the person I see."

"Maybe not on the outside. Nobody beat me, no one stabbed me, nobody tried to steal my baby and yet …I'm jealous of people like Violet or the Larsen's because their injuries can be seen. People understand their pain," Addison said rolling her head to the side.

"Kev, Violet is hiding in a closet because she is so scared. She has this beautiful little baby and two men, two single men that are crazy about her and she's hiding in a closet because she can't deal with life," Addison remarked as the tears streamed down her face.

"I go to work every day and live this farce. I pretend to be strong and hold it together but I'm crumbling inside. I nearly had an affair with a married man. I wanted him to leave his pregnant wife. I laughed about it Kevin. I laughed about how stupid and clueless she was, that she didn't know what was going on right under her nose." Addison sat up in the tub and held her hands to her face, balancing her elbows on her knees. "I don't even know why you come home to me because I'm damaged goods. And god, I wish that someone would physically hurt me because maybe, just maybe it would make me feel better."

It was a lot to take in and if he headed for the door, he doubted if anyone would blame him. She had done some horrible things. Cheater, adulterer and damn near a self mutilator all in the name of that four letter word. The word that burned in the back of his throat. The word that led him here this night. The word that was the reason he wasn't going to leave. Kevin stood up from the side of the tub and grabbed a towel of the warming rack by the shower.

"Let's get you out of that tub," he said quietly holding the towel in his hand to cover her as she emerged. He watched Addison stand up, he hooked her elbow to help her climb out and wrapped the warm fluffy towel around her torso. His arm slid snugly around her waist as he walked her into the bedroom.

"Did you hear from the DA?" she asked as she sat numbly on the side of the bed.

"Yeah, they're reviewing the case and will decide later if any charges will be filed," he replied grabbing the body butter out of the drawer in her night stand. "You did the right thing Addie," he said pulling the comforter down on the bed. "I know it makes you sick inside, but it was the right thing."

"I know," she sniffled. She rolled under the covers, still wrapped in the towel. "Why the hell does it have to hurt so badly?" she asked resting her arm across her eyes.

"Because you're internalizing it," he reminded her. "Just like I told you at the hospital. This is another family, another life," he said.

"I handed that little girl a death sentence," Addison protested.

"No," Kevin said holding his finger up to make his point. "She did it herself, whether she was in control or not, she chose her fate. Not you. You saved her life and performed a surgery that would end her pain and suffering. And now you need to let it go," he remarked. "You can't let it eat you."

"But it is eating me," Addison cried.

Kevin was quiet for a moment and dipped his hand into the body butter. He rubbed the butter together on his hands and motioned for her to roll over. When she was settled on her stomach, he threw the towel on the floor and began to smooth the silky butter over her skin.

"I had an affair with a married lady once," he said quietly rubbing the knots in her shoulders free. "The wife of a guy I worked with. She was hot and …" his voice trailed off as he relived the memory of the woman in his head. "When I met her, I didn't even know she was married. Then it all came to a crashing halt one day and I ah … felt like a schmuck for a long time."

"How did you find out? she asked turning her head to the side to look at him.

"Her husband was killed in the line of duty," Kevin said remorsefully. "We were responding to a bank robbery and he was the first unit on the scene. He was shot and bled out in the street. I was at the hospital when she got there and at first … I so arrogantly thought she was there for me," he chuckled sadly. "I thought I loved her and when I found out the truth, I felt like I was the one who had been shot."

"So in a way, we've had a similar experience. I was sucked in by a spicy blonde in a mini skirt and you were charmed off your feet by a cardiologist," he explained. "But mine crashed to a screaming halt. Yours forced you to make an ethical decision. And Addison whether you believe it or not, what you did proves you're not broken. A broken record just keeps skipping through the same cycle. Something that is damaged manages to mend itself or finds a way to function the way it is," Kevin said moving his hands to her lower back.

"Are you saying that I'm going to be stuck functioning the way I am?" Addison asked letting a moan escape her lips.

"You're already reset yourself because you did the right thing Addison. The decent thing," he said sliding his hands a little lower across her back. He worked the knots in the small of her back and smiled as she shifted her legs on the bed. He took the invitation to smooth the thick lotion down the back of her thighs.

He worked her leg from the hip to her feet, slowly. Kevin relished each moan and sigh that escaped Addison's lips, knowing she was giving herself to him in this erotic game of foreplay. He kneaded her calves and worked his way down to the balls of her feet, pushing against the pressure points.

"Kev," she moaned as she flipped over on cue. "Why are…?"

"Shhh," he whispered, slinking up next to her side. He tangled his hands in her hair and watched her eyes roll up in her head.

"Hmmm, Kev, do you think someone is up there with a score card keeping tabs on us," she asked him almost dreamily.

He looked down into her sleepy face and smiled. Kevin loved to watch her sleep, the one time of day when she was really relaxed, when she succumbed to the release of endorphins and let nature and sleep sweep her pain away. _Someday I'll be able to trigger the release without having to resort to bribery tactics, _he thought as he planted a kiss on her forehead. Kevin climbed out of the bed and straightened the comforter around her.

"If someone is keeping tabs, then I hope I get bonus points for not taking advantage when you are sleeping next to me naked and beautiful," he whispered into the air as he headed into the bathroom to blow out the candles.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

At first this was one chapter .. but then it got too long, so I had to split it. And now that I split it … I can juice it up. So here's part one.

Horrible 3

Saturday morning and the skies were gray. The mood was as sleepy and dreary as the weather outside. Addison sat quietly on the couch while the rain beat on the windows. A seventies tune played on the stereo in the background. _It never rains in California, but girl don't they warn ya, it pours, man it pours. _ She ran her hand over her forehead and closed her eyes.

"Yeah, it pours alright," she said aloud. "Stirs up all the mud and gunk and leaves it in the gutter."

"Oh, come on now," Kevin called to her from the kitchen. He walked over to the couch and handed her a cup of coffee and then sat down across from her in the chair. "It's not that bad," he added.

"Kevin you found me sitting in a tub full of water after I drank a bottle of wine. If you hadn't come over, who knows what would have happened," she rambled stopping only to take a sip of the coffee.

"Eventually you would have gone to bed," Kevin informed her.

"You don't know that," Addison argued.

"Have you ever had a suicidal thought before? And I'm not talking about a casual inkling, I mean, a planned out … I'm going to kill myself tonight thought," Kevin asked her.

Addison didn't answer for a second, tilting her head in thought. "No," she said finally. "I guess not."

"So then, last night, you would have gotten out of the tub on your own and gone to bed," Kevin said sitting back on the chair.

"Alone and cold," she stated setting the cup down.

"Yeah, well, there is that," he agreed with a smile. He watched her stare sightless at the cup of coffee on the table. _She's thinking again, _he surmised not making any further comment. He toyed with the idea of sitting next to her. _But today doesn't feel like a cuddle day, _he noticed as he watched her … without being so obvious. Addison picked at the cup and held it like a pacifier, holding it like the warmth from the liquid was the thing providing her any comfort. _I want to be providing that comfort, but today she needs to ask for it, _he decided. _Today, I need to feel needed. _

"Kev, I'm ready to talk about things," she said setting the cup down on the coffee table.

Kevin nodded and said nothing. His training had taught him to be an observer and a listener. If Addison was ready to talk, he wasn't going to do anything to stop took a sip of his coffee and shifted in the chair. As much as he wanted to hear _this, _he wasn't really sure if he _wanted _to hear this. The outcome of such a conversation could mean a hundred different things for their relationship. _I could come out of this alone, or just as a friend or still in a relationship with this red head that I'm crazy for, _he thought as he watched her fidget on the couch. _She's freaked, she may even back out, _he considered just before she started to talk.

…**!...**

His training taught him not to judge. Sure he had opinions and with enough evidence he could come to a conclusion about a thing or two but he never judged … or at least he didn't verbalize it. He never put his opinions on paper because they would never hold up in a court of law. And right at this moment, they were both on trial. After hours of trying to convince her that she wasn't that bad of person, he felt mentally beat. _Thank god I know how to baffle a person with bullshit, _he thought after surviving the first round of the inquisition.

First it was Addison spilling her guts about everything she had done that was wrong, rehashing the Noah story and then reminding him about the Wyatt kiss, which completely steamed his butt. Then she detailed the whole _sleep in the on-call room with the interns and her ex husband's best friend _incident … er _incidents_ that completely stunned him since he never took her for one to just sleep around. Then she went on and on about how she met Derek in college and bla bla bla. He found out a lot of things about Addison he never really wanted to know and some that completely intrigued him. In the end, none of it changed the way he felt about her and in some ways made him fall in love with her all over again.

Then it was his turn to 'fess up about his past life which, other his _one _affair, was a lot more uneventful. In fact, Kevin didn't have much to talk about. He lived a normal life for the past thirty some years. Had a handful of girlfriends, had his heart broken a couple of time and slept with his co-workers wife. The last relationship he had been in before Addison was over a year ago and while he had been on a few dates here and there, he hadn't found anyone that twisted his heart in a knot in a very long time. He admitted that to her freely and then sat back and waited for the repercussions.

"Twist your heart in a knot?" Addison repeated with a stunned look on her face. "I twist your heart in a knot? Is that good or bad?" she asked brushing her red hair off her face.

Kevin leaned back against the chair and rested his arms out of over the back. "Considering that I may get dumped in the next five minutes," Kevin said exhaling loudly. "This thing between us … since that first day I met you …it consumes me in a way that just makes me happy and shit, I've never been in a relationship that made me happy so unconditionally."

"Even when you think I'm cheating?" Addison asked rhetorically.

Kevin sat forward in the chair and leaned his arms on his thighs. "You told me that you laughed at Noah's wife because she didn't know what was happening under her nose. After my affair, I wondered if Tandy's husband ever even knew what his wife was up too on all those nights. Maybe that's why he got shot. Maybe he didn't know how to size up a situation. Addison I wouldn't be good at what I do if I didn't notice a difference in my girlfriend. I've never been that guy that was so out of touch I missed the small stuff. I know when you want to talk about things or when work has stressed you out so much that conversation is just the wrong thing. I know when you want to cuddle naked in bed and when you'd rather just have the blanket wrapped around you. I know that look in your eye when you're distracted and want me to leave and when you wished I'd walk into your office and bang you on top of your desk with the blinds open," he informed her solemnly. "If you need something else in your life then that's not me … but my impression is that you need someone like that in your life. You want someone like that in your life because too many of the men from your past didn't know you very well."

The expression on Addison's face was priceless and Kevin wished he had a camera to capture it, although it would forever been seared into his memory. In many ways she was like a suspect that he had just cracked. That lost look in her eyes slowly melted into an understanding of sorts. And then on cue … she got a little angry.

"You're not the only one that has noticed things you know," she said as her cheeks grew hotter by the minute. "You like to be in control and wave your authority around. You want to tell me what to do … and I'll fight you on it Kevin, even when I know you're right because I don't need to you rescue me all the time. You always want to play the devil's advocate which drives me crazy. You keep secrets from me about your work, even though I tell you nearly everything," she spouted off. She was trying to match wits with him, even though she was barely on the same level. "You don't really like wine, but you'll drink it because you think it will make you fit in better with me. And despite that you carry a gun for a living, you're intimidated by a powerful woman with a trust fund and my brother who has no business trying to pick my boyfriends for me." Addison jumped up from the couch and paced around behind it with a ticked off look in her eye. She waved her index finger in the air.

"I'm a strong woman and I work in a field that has been dominated for years by men. I need to be assertive. I need to be able to compartmentalize my feelings and not get emotionally involved because I'm dealing with people's lives. I've lost patients and its hurt me, but I can't let it get to me because there is another patient just waiting down the hall. Waiting for me to save their life," she ranted. Somehow during her tirade she walked all the way around the couch and ended up standing right in front of him.

"And sometimes when I come home from all of that, I just want to be normal, and do normal things," she said softly. She dropped down to her knees in front of him. "I want to come home and know that my guy is going to pick up the slack for me," she added gently running her hands up the sides of his thighs.

Kevin held her gaze and tangled his fingers in her hair. "I like wine," he replied quietly. "I just prefer an ice cold beer sometimes. And I am intimidated by your trust fund."

"It put me through med school, bought my car and this house. But it doesn't give foot rubs or grill a steak. And it can make me happy for a short time, but in the end leaves me cold and alone," she said reaching out for his hand.

"So you're not dumping me?" Kevin asked.

"What?" Addison guffawed. "No, I'm not," she shook her head. "I want this."

"Okay, then we need to set some ground rules," Kevin said motioning her to move back. He pushed out of the chair and sat in front of her on the floor, straddling her knees. He watched as she unfolded them over his and pulled her closer to him. "I love your place, but I have my own house and space. So until we decide to consolidate, we need to split our time between the two. Obviously, my place isn't as nice and you don't like the neighborho…."

"You have a pool," Addison interrupted.

"You have the ocean."

"And I can't swim in it all year round."

"I didn't … know that you swam," Kevin said with a perplexed look on his face.

"I don't, sort of. At least I don't swim in water I can see the bottom of," Addison explained. "I do much better in a small area where I can just splash around a bit."

"Well, you can do that in your bathtub," Kevin remarked.

"Not quite the same effect," she said with a smirk.

He smiled at her and said nothing for a second and then leaned in to brush his lips across hers. "No lies Addison. I'm serious. You're not very good at it," Kevin whispered when he pulled back. "You can distract me with sex all you want, but that only gets you so far. If we can't have a conversation then we shouldn't be together. I think we've proved the past few weeks that we can have a conversation."

"Then you need to tell me about your work so I understand and not be such a tough guy all the time," Addison countered.

"I dough…"

"When you got shot, you said you didn't want me at the hospital," she reminded him. "And then you tried to break up with me because of something Archer said."

Kevin signed. "Addie, I wanted you there, I begged Leslie to call you before they transported me to the hospital. But when I was in the ambulance I thought I was going to die and I ah … I was trying to protect you from getting hurt," he said. "It's a dangerous job and psycho creeps try to kill us sometimes." He paused and took her hand. "And your brother tried to warn me off."

"By saying what?"

"That I was out of your league."

"Ha," Addison grunted. "He just likes it when I'm unattached and miserable like him. He hated Derek too."

"But Derek was more your type," Kevin countered just to call her bluff.

"Why? Because he was a doctor? Derek was no different than you … he grew up middle class. His father was murdered by a serial killer and his mother was an army nurse," Addison laughed. "Derek was just a normal guy that I really loved and blew it with."

"So what makes you think you won't blow it with me?" Kevin asked her point blank. She already had one attempt in the books. He needed to know if this was a cycle she was going to continue or not.

"I don't know that Kevin, I mean I almost did once … but when I couldn't breathe anymore you were there to rescue me," Addison said slowly. "I want this relationship. I don't want to be Noah's wife …I don't want to be the cheater that married the cheater only to cheat again and I don't want to be the one that gets cheated on."

"And that takes us back to the ground rules," Kevin said nodding his head. "I know you're not that person, you told me as much the night you followed me … when you had that patient with the two wives. We just need to keep the communication lines open. We're in fields that people are really attracted too. Women love a guy in uniform and a gun belt and men have fantasies about playing doctor," he replied. "We need to trust each other and...."

"No lies. I got it," Addison commented staring deep into his eyes. Sitting there, that close to him was turning her on. She could feel his heat and it was affecting her in a good way. Just like it had affected her last night when he rubbed her down and then respected that she was too mentally spent to do anything about it. "What was the rule about distracting you with sex?" she asked running her hands up the inside of his thigh.

"I said you could distract me all you wanted but I was going to see right through you," he commented. He stared at her with dark hooded eyes. She was teasing him and he could sense by her husky voice and body language that she wanted it that way. _Which is good, because if I have to wait another day to have sex with her, I'll wear the skin off my palm, _Kevin thought forcing himself to wait for her to make the move.

"What do you see right now?" she asked licking her lips seductively. She could barely wait to touch him and ran her hands lightly up his thighs to rest right next to his heat.

"I see someone that needs some attention," Kevin replied giving in to his urge to kiss her.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: The following chapter is for mature audiences only ... reader discretion is advised. (heeheehee). HOTCOP action!!!

Horrible 4

It started out so gentle. Kevin ran his fingers through Addison's hair and cupped the back of her head in his hand. He could feel the heat they shared spreading throughout his limbs, arousing his senses. The electricity that shot through his veins when his lips touched hers was powerful drawing them like a magnet.

He opened his eyes as his tongue probed her mouth and their lips hungrily nibbled each other. Kevin pulled back, and then placed gentle kisses on her cheeks. He pushed Addison back against the cool oak floor and continued to brush his lips over her cheek and down her neck. He could feel her hot breath on the side of his face and watched as her eyelids fluttered open. He felt her back arch as he slid his hands down the sides of her torso, stopping to stroke her breast through the thin material of her blouse. He roughly pawed at her sweat pants, snaking his hand under the fabric to find her hot folds while never losing touch with her lips. Her hands crept slowly to his waistband and fiddled with the buttons of his jeans.

His breath caught in his throat as Addison brushed her hand across his zipper and firmly rubbed the swollen mass hidden in his jeans. He could barely contain the temptation to take her quick and rough. _It's not time for this_, he told himself through clenched teeth as his body shivered with his desire. _I don't want a quickie with her, I want it to last._ As he felt the button of his jeans release and the zipper slowly make its way open, Kevin pulled his hand from her pants and wrestled her hands over her head to take control of her advances.

Kevin watched Addison's eyes widen and her pupils dilate. He licked his lips in anticipation of sucking on her nipples and he waited for a moment to get acceptance to dominate her. _She said she wanted someone to hurt her so she could feel something, I can hurt her in a way that will make her forget the pain, _he thought as he slid his hand under her shirt and roughly handled her breast. With his knee in the nook by her mound, he could tell she was hot and wet. _That's all the approval I need, _he noted as he looked down at her with a sly seductive glare in his eye.

"Take your shirt off," he ordered her, his voice husky and dark. He let go of her hands and moved so he was kneeling right over her. He gave her enough room to do ask he wanted, but no enough to get away from him if she struggled. Addison did as he asked, but when she tried to remove her bra, he stopped her hand.

She was trembling when he touched her. Kevin placed gentle kisses along the side of her neck and chest until he reached the lacy fabric of her bra. He blew hot air across the cup and nipped at her nipple through the fabric until she practically squealed in protest. Kevin relented and slipped his hand behind her back to snap the clip. Then he pulled it from her body and tossed it to the side.

Kevin watched Addison's face as he cupped her breast in his hand. Her nipples were hard against his thumbs and her breasts were full. Squeezing them in his palm wasn't enough for him. He needed to taste them. Kevin took the right nipple in his mouth and flicked his tongue across it, teasing it until it was hard and full. He massaged her left breast with his hand, rubbing her nipple with his thumb. As he heard Addison's gasps in his ear, he increased the pressure gently. Addison ran her fingers through his hair and started to arch her back up, pressing closer to him.

He could feel his heat bulldog its way out of his boxers and he dropped down to push it against her mound. He heard a low moan escape her lips and chuckled sadistically as he teased her. Kevin pushed back to his knees and grabbed her waistband of her sweat pants. He pulled the pants, her panties and socks off in one agonizingly slow movement. Sitting back on his haunches, he surveyed the paradise between her legs.

"Hmmm," he moaned, dipping his head down for a teasing lick. He pushed her legs apart roughly and traced his finger across her folds. The core was hot and wet. He was hard pressed to not shove his way inside her right then and there. _Take it easy killer, _he reminded himself.

The teasing started as he fingered her flower. He flicked his tongue across her swollen bud and around the folds that surrounded it. He savored her musky flavor on his tongue as he buried his face in her center, reaching his tongue into the depths of her core. He felt her hands pulling gently on his hair and he glanced up into her beckoning eyes.

"Kevin," she panted jutting her hip upward. "Please."

_She's begging now, _he smiled as he teased her just a moment more. _I like to hear her beg, but I can't wait anymore, _he thought as he leaned back, pulled his t-shirt over his head and struggled out of his pants. He didn't wait to see if she was ready for him when he slid into her. Somewhere in the distance he heard a low moan bounce off the walls and wasn't sure if it was Addison or his.

The electricity in the room was amplified, and the only sound the couple heard was the sound of their ragged breathing. He listened as her breath caught in her throat and watched her face as she tilted her head back, absorbing the sensations reverberating from between her thighs. Her body trembled as he moved slowly inside of her, and her eyelids fluttered open. Kevin could feel himself quickly reaching his apex and bit his lip to get a hold on it. It was difficult, as the space was tight, burning hot, and smooth as silk against him. He watched her expressions intently and was acutely aware of the change in her breathing as she gasped quickly and whispered his name. He felt her hand on the small of his back pulling him closer to her, and he pushed her knees to her chest to enter her more deeply. As he did, he felt the space open and begin to rhythmically pulse around him. Her cries of triumph were ringing softly in his ear as he drove himself against her and cried out in release.

"Oh, Addison," he mumbled, as he lowered his body to hers and felt the life drain out of him. He pushed into her again, clenching his teeth as the euphoria washed over him. He caught her lips with his mouth as she shuddered against him and probed her mouth with his tongue, long and deep.

"Geezus this floor is hard," Addison moaned after a moment.

Kevin laughed and collapsed on top of her. "You said you wanted someone to hurt you," he reminded her.

"Yeah, I'm going to be bruised alright," she replied dropping her head back to the floor. She felt Kevin adjust against her and wrapped her legs around his back. "Oh, don't move," she gasped feeling another wave of pleasure ripple over her.

"Hmm," Kevin grunted leaning on his arm. "I can keep it up," he said in dreamy voice.

"Oh, god," Addison cried out tilting her head back against the floor.

"Imagine that you're standing by the desk in Sam's office," Kevin whispered in her ear while he grinded his hips against her. He could feel his energy gaining life in its warm sheath again and he slowly thrust against her.

"Is he in there?" she asked closing her eyes.

Kevin brushed his lips across the side of her face and whispered roughly in her ear. "He just left to go talk to Pete," he said painting a picture. "I come in behind you. I'm hard and I push you down on top of the desk."

"Am I wearing a skirt?" Addison questioned.

"Addie!" Kevin nearly yelled at her for spoiling the moment. He looked down at her and captured her lips with his, sucking her lower lip that he knew drove her crazy. "You're wearing your green floral dress, with no panties."

"Am I sitting down on the desk or are you coming at me from behind?" Addison asked raking her fingernails across his back.

He continued his slow movement and considered her question. It would be easy to take her again just as he was, but flipping her on her back would be more fun. He pulled back and positioned the tip of his energy on her bud.

"Roll over," he commanded.

Addison lifted her head to protest and noticed the serious expression on his face. They had experimented with some different positions before, but not this one. It made her nervous and excited all at the same time. She pushed up on her elbows and slowly rolled over on her stomach. She was barely settled on the floor when Kevin grabbed her hips and pulled them back toward him.

"Down on your elbows," he hissed as he rubbed his hands over her rump. He could feel her trembling again and slid his hand around to her mound. "Relax Addie," he whispered lining himself up behind her. "Pete and Sam are walking down the hall," he added pushing his tip against her center.

The warmth beckoned him all the way in. The molten lava of her core surrounded his heat like a glove and enticed him to thrust a little deeper with each stroke. Addison moved with him, matching each drive with an equal force. He gripped her hips and pulled her back on him roughly as he growled out the rest of the story.

"They've stopped just to the left of the door," he hissed as he started to pound against her. "Dell just paged you to the phone." Kevin slid one of his hands to her mound and pressed a finger hard against her bud.

"Kev," Addison moaned loudly.

"Sam's hand is on the door and he's starting to push it open," he growled just as he felt her core open below him. "Oh, Addie," he moaned. Kevin felt Addison cry out as she came. The warmth of her orgasm washed over him. He felt the small of his back tighten into a knot. Kevin slowed his pace and moved his knee to push her legs open a little farther. He grabbed her hips and pulled her back forcefully just as he savaged banged into her core. Her cries of pleasure sounded like distant applause as his own eruption pounded in his ear.

"Keyzzz," Kevin hiccupped as the last of his seed blew out of his body. Both he and Addison slipped to the floor and Kevin managed to land just off to the side of her. "Shit," he mumbled as he buried his head in the crook of his arm. For a moment, the only sound in the room was the heavy breathing of the two as they struggled to catch their breath.

"Sam just walked in the door," Addison finally said to break the silence.

"And?"

"And you and I are just standing there talking," she said rolling over on her side. "But there's cum dripping down my leg."

Kevin started to laugh and rolled over to look at her. "And it smells like sex?" he asked trailing his finger across her breast.

"No, because you pulled your mace out of your pocket and sprayed some on the carpet," she giggled.

"Uh, that would make our eyes water," Kevin replied shaking his head.

"Which would be cover for the euphoria," Addison explained. She traced her finger down the side of his face. "Thanks for rescuing me," she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"That's what I do," he reminded her. "I rescue people, even the ones that don't really want to be rescued."

"Kevin last night, I asked for someone to hurt me so I could feel something. If one of my patients said that I'd have them committed," she sniffled.

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't take it seriously," he replied. "We all say horrible things when we're hurting. They need to be said, so we can get it out there and move forward."

"You didn't take me seriously?" she questioned him sitting up on the floor.

"No."

"What if I would have told you to get out?"

Kevin sat up and sighed heavily. "Before or after I saw that you drank the whole bottle of wine and were sitting in a tubful of water surrounded by burning candles?" he posed to her. "_If _you had made that request, I would have arrested you."

"You would have arrested me?"

"I would have put you in protective custody … even if that meant dragging you out of your house butt ass naked," he smiled.

"I would have fought you," she argued.

"Maybe for a second," Kevin replied. "Until I called for backup and then you know … Leslie, Kent, Adam and Mickels would have run every light to get over here and see you naked." The comment finally broke Addison into laughter and she fell forward into his arms.

"Kev, I still have cum dripping down my leg."

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Timeline: Right Here, Right Now. My version is a little different than what aired on TV, but to include HOTCOP I had to manipulate it. I spell checked and grammar checked twice, but we all know how mistakes like to hang around like a bar slug.

Horrible 5

"So this is the dime store tour?" Miranda asked Addison as they walked down the hallway at Oceanside. "I feel like I'm in a spa. I'm waiting for that waiter to bring out the champagne." Bailey stopped walking just outside the kitchen and peered into the room through the glass. "Oh, la la, who's that hunka meat?"

Addison glanced into the room at Kevin's profile. He had his back to the door and was dressed in his SWAT uniform. "That's Kevin," Addison said just as Naomi walked toward them. "He just got off work. He had to um, work the overnight shift."

Before Miranda had a chance to make any comment, she saw Naomi heading their way. "Naomi right?" Bailey asked when the woman was in earshot.

"Yes, Miranda," Nay confirmed smiling at Addison nervously.

"I thought you left the practice," Miranda commented.

"I did," Naomi mumbled. "I'm just downstairs."

"Naomi left our practice to go downstairs and run a different one," Addison explained with the snottiest tone she could muster. She had nothing to say to Nay – the quitter.

"I'm just here to see Violet," Naomi replied excusing herself. Her expression said she got the message loud and clear.

"I thought you two were best friends," Miranda commented as Nay darted off in the opposition direction.

"We were. We are," Addison stammered.

A baby squeal and some commotion in the hallway caught Miranda's attention and she turned her head just as Violet dunked into her office. "Is that the one that had the baby and …," Miranda asked following Addison into the kitchen.

"Hmmm, yes," Addison grunted. She walked over to the coffee pot and smiled when Kevin handed her a perfectly seasoned cup of coffee. "You're too nice."

"I try. I think I got you figured out now," Kevin remarked. He leaned forward and kissed Addison on the cheek. "Are you the new doctor?" he asked in Dr. Bailey's direction.

"Kevin this is Miranda Bailey. I worked with her when I was at Seattle Grace. She's here on with a patient temporarily," Addison said. "Miranda, this is my significant other, Kevin Nelson."

"The hot cop," Bailey commented checking him out as she reached over to shake his hand. "I thought you two broke up."

"We did," Addison and Kevin said in unison.

"We were on a break," Kevin added taking a sip of his coffee.

"And now you're not on a break?"

"We're … working that out," Kevin stated. He slid his arm around Addison's waist protectively. "Can I get you some coffee?"

"Yes, black," Miranda said with a smile. "And some cream and sugar." She turned the oogle out the window. "Ooo, is that the father?"

"Yeah, it's one of them," Addison replied. She caught the perplexed expression in Miranda's face and shrugged her shoulders. "It's complicated."

"Seems like everything is complicated around here," Bailey cooed. "This is better than a tela-no-vela."

Addison was about to editorialize Bailey's comment when she looked up and saw one of her patients standing in the doorway at the far side of the room. It was Noah's wife Morgan, holding her baby in her arms. Her face was set and angry. Addison touched her hand to Kevin's sleeve and cleared her throat.

"Morgan, hi. Is everything okay?" Addison asked cautiously. The memory of walking out in the middle of the woman's delivery was still fresh in her mind. Morgan looked pissed about something and the glare exuding from her eyes scared Addison.

"Did you do it, Dr. Montgomery? Did you sleep with my husband?" the woman demanded from Addison.

"Aghh…," Addison stammered setting her cup down. There weren't words to describe how mortified she felt. The _Noah _wound was still raw in her heart. Addison knew she didn't have to explain anything to Kevin because his expression said it all. Miranda looked stunned and perplexed all at the same time. The woman's words were cold, hard and accusing and there wasn't much Addison could do to comfort her. The need to shuffle this woman into the corridor, out of the ears of her friends was paramount on her mind, but Addison was frozen in place.

"He said you didn't and I want to be believe that you didn't, you being my doctor and all but then I found myself outside your building and I just needed to ask," Morgan rambled on in the background. "So tell me Drl Montgomery….did you?"

Somehow Addison finally found her legs and made it to the doorway to calmly put her hands on her patient's shoulders to comfort her. "Morgan, no, nothing like that ever happened, he's telling you the truth," Addison said glancing over at Kevin. She could see the look of distrust in his eyes and it wasn't directed at Addison either. Morgan seemed fidgety and agitated. Even the baby sensed her body language, squirming in her arms.

"Yeah … I believe you," Morgan replied slowly. "I'm sorry. I'm not crazy … I just needed to find out the truth." Morgan glanced in Kevin's direction and started backing toward the door. "Okay … I'll leave."

Addison watched as the woman retreated down the hall. She felt Kevin brush by her and follow the woman out. The broken feeling in her gut started to churn wildly again. Addison turned on her heel and darted out of the kitchen for the bathroom.

…**!….**

The shouting between Sheldon and Pete echoed in her ear as she tried her best to defuse the emotionally charged anger between the two men. How she ended up in the middle of this fracas she had no clue. _I'm just the resident ob/gyn, _she thought slumping down on the couch. She rested her head in her hands and rubbed her temples with her fingertips. _This started as an okay day didn't it? I slept alone at Kevin's place because he was working an overnight shift. I met Miranda at the hospital, _she mulled the details over in her head. _When did it go downhill? Was it running into Naomi in the hall, or my pseudo ex-lover's wife calling me out on my almost affair right in front of my boyfriend, or the four patients that I had that lied to me or Sheldon and Pete getting in to an argument over a defenseless child whose mother dumped him on someone's doorstep? _

"I hate this day," she muttered. She leaned back against the couch cushions and stared blankly at the patient files in front of her. _Why me? Why did I think working in a private practice was going to be better than the hospital drama? _ Addison watched the words on the page disintegrated in a blur of black and white as her mind drifted into the abyss of her thoughts. Her cell phone ring brought her back to the present.

_Kevin, _she read the caller ID as it lit up in front of her. She briefly considered not answering it and then decided he was the only good thing going for her today. "Hey," she grunted answering the call.

"Hey," his sleepy voice replied.

"Do you hate me too?" Addison asked without preamble.

"No."

"No? Are you serious?" she replied with a flippant chuckle. "I'm surprised because everyone else does."

"Who is everyone else?"

"The usual suspects, Naomi, Pete, Sheldon, Miranda," Addison rattled off.

"Miranda is pissed at you already? She hasn't even been here … ah eight hours yet."

"Yeah, well, I guess it's my winning personality," Addison replied fighting back the urge to cry. She could feel the tears burning in her eyes and the lump forming in her throat.

"Feeling guilty?" he asked, obviously clued into the hesitation in her voice.

"I don't know what I'm feeling," she whispered as the tears started to run down her face.

"Addie, what happened today isn't anything I don't already know about," he said quietly. "I'm not happy that Noah's wife showed up at your job and called you out on the affair and I'm not happy that you can't close the door on it. But at some point you're going to have to do it because you're not going to be able to move forward otherwise."

"I closed it. I stopped talking to him; I've stopped taking his phone calls. I fired her as my patient. What else is there for me to do?" she cried into the phone. "I've even told her the truth…." Her voice trailed off into a broken sob. "What am I supposed to do?"

"I can't give you that answer," he said after a moment of silence. "You just need to figure out a way to resolve it Addie. You can talk to me until your blue in the face. You can cry a thousand tears, but there is some part of it that is locked up inside of you anchoring you there. And I don't know … maybe it's not even Noah, maybe its something else. But whatever it is …," Kevin paused for a moment. "You need to figure out a way to work it out, so it doesn't come between us."

His words sliced at her. After fighting so hard to get back to a normal relationship decent relationship, the thought of losing him ripped at her heart. "Is that your position as my unofficial therapist or my boyfriend?" she sniffled.

"It's both," he replied. "And to be honest Addie, I don't believe that Morgan is okay with your explanation. She had a look about her … her voice, her body language that all said something else. I mentioned her to the building security, but, Addison, be careful okay?"

"Okay, I will," she mumbled into the phone. Kevin wasn't one to mince words with her. He wasn't the one to sugar coat it with marshmallow fluff and that was one of the things Addison loved about him. When he showed up at the hospital the night of Violet's attack, he listened to her tear filled confession with more patience than she thought was humanly possible. _Not even Derek had done that, _she reminded herself. Now he was pushing her forward to finish this mess she was in. _Like it or not. _ After sharing a few more words with him, she thumbed the phone off and stared at the dark screen. "I hate this day," she conceded into the emptiness.

…**!...**

_I was driving to work. _The fact tickled the back of her mind. _I was practically in the parking lot and then I went straight. _ The thought rolled through her better senses as she hungrily nipped at his lips. _Because I saw a squad car. _Another tip. She pulled at the Velcro straps that held his Kevlar vest in place across his chest. _His tight, muscular chest. _ Pushing the vest over his head took little work, but he was one step ahead of her. _I wanted a hot cop's hands on me conducting a strip search. _

"Agh," she moaned as Kevin kneaded her breast in his hand. His fingers deftly worked over her nipples, alternating pressure and completely driving her mad. She needed this from him today, needed him to be rough and crazy because everything else in her mind was so out of control. This was the only thing that would reset it. _In my head anyway. _

She wasn't even sure he'd be home when she pulled into the alley by his garage. He was just getting off his Harley when she got out of her car. Addison didn't have to say anything for him to get it that she needed him in a way that only he could understand. The wordless conversation they shared said all the words that were locked inside her throat. She could tell he needed it too. The haggard tired expression on his face gave way to the rough night that had played out for him.

Addison had taken his hand to lead him to his bed, but they never made it there. She had barely stepped out of the garage when he pinned her against the wall of the house. His lips roughly connected with her mouth and their tongues waged a slurpy war of wills.

Addison fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, wanting so much to just rip them open, but knowing how pissed he would be about it later. It wouldn't have mattered much anyway, as it was just one layer of many that she needed to peel back to reach his skin. Kevin, on the other hand, had less resistance to get to his reward. Taking a cue from his _office space _fantasy, Addison had shed her panties in the car on the drive. She caught the delighted look that crystallized in his eyes when he discovered it too.

"You're making this too easy for me," he whispered in the rare moment their lips parted.

Addison tilted her head back as he pushed one finger and then two inside her slick folds. As much as she just wanted to let him take the lead, she couldn't stop herself from touching him. She finally managed to strip him of his t-shirt and loosen the belt at his pants. Leaning in to drag her tongue slowly across his chest, she smiled when a low moan escaped his throat. To heighten his pleasure she bit roughly at his nipples and the moaned in turn when he flicked his thumb over her nub.

The causeway between the garage and the house was barely shielded from the street or the alley, yet suddenly Addison didn't care who saw them. In the back of her mind, she frantically tried to remember if she had any morning appointments, while alternating between sucking on Kevin's lips and pinching the flesh of his pecks. And somehow between all of that she managed to finally get his zipper down and pull his heat from his shorts.

She didn't give him much time to react when she pushed his hand away from her core and dropped to her knees on his Kevlar vest. She grabbed his energy, giving it a quick stoke and then sucked it into the moist, hot environment of her mouth. Her swollen lips swept over the shaft as she worked against him. She played him like a flute, alternating between sucking, licking, and stroking.

The cloth of his pants brushed against her cheek and she felt Kevin tangle his fingers through her hair. He pulled back from her mouth and tilted her head back with his hand forcing her to look him in the eye. Addison felt the tip of his heat trail across her bottom lip and she licked the pre-cum from the head. For a second she didn't know how she wanted to play it … and tried to quickly choose between letting him fuck her face or take her another way. Kevin didn't let her decide.

He gave her another few seconds of stroking his erection before he pulled her up to her feet. When she was standing, he undid his belt and dropped his pants to his knees. His lips were on her, distracting her slightly as he slipped his hands under her skirt and pressed his head against her clit. She responded quickly by wrapping her arms and legs around him. He slid in hard and quick, barely giving her time to adjust to his girth.

"Oh, Kev, kawd," she gasped into the side of his neck as he pushed her against the wall. Addison peppered his neck with saliva and lips as each thrust took Kevin deeper into her.

"Guwk, you're fricken wet," he huffed. He pinned her between his body and the wall and when he was sure she wasn't going to fall, he started to slowly pound into her. "Addie," he whispered again and again.

She could feel the muscles of his thighs contract each time he slid into her. She could feel the sweat beading at the back of his neck. She could taste his salty goodness on her tongue and hear him mumble sweet nothings in her ear. And all the while he was teasing her with his hot rod all she could think about was if Dell would cover for her at her eight o'clock appointment. Then her mind went to white as she opened up and released the tension that was building inside.

"Kev, shit," she cursed. Addison clutched at Kevin a little tighter, her nails digging into his skin and nearly screamed at the friction. It didn't take Kevin long to catch up with her, pounding into her heat just a few more times before he froze in place.

Addison continued to kiss him as he adjusted around her and set her down on the ground. She locked her eyes into his gaze and neither said nothing for a moment until Kevin leaned over and handed her his t-shirt.

"In case you drip before we get in the house," he muttered as he pulled his pants back up.

"Always the romantic," she laughed at him.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Horrible 6**

Breakfast with a hot guy is always a good way to start any morning. _Breakfast and a quickie in the alley between the house and the garage, _Addison reminded herself as she stirred the cream into her coffee. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't wipe that silly grin off her face. Dell had commented about it when she got off the elevator. Three of the nurses kidded her about _hotcop _when she walked into her office. _Guess they got me pegged, _Addison thought as she realized how happy he made her. _Because he just gets me, baggage and all, _she noted as she picked up the cup and took a sip of her morning coffee.

Addison turned to revel in her bliss when she noticed Morgan walking down the hallway. She felt the color drain from her face and she turned her back to the door, busying herself with the sugar dispenser.

"Addison?" Morgan called to her as the new male nurse dropped the woman at the door. "I'm embarrassed. I shouldn't have barged in here yesterday. And bringing the baby … It's wasn't right. It's not like me at all."

"Aghh," Addison gurgling as she turned to look at the woman. A fleeting thought of Kevin's conversation about security floated through her mind._ I can't blame Jonah, he doesn't know who she is, _she noted watching Morgan carefully. Although Morgan seemed calmer today, Addison didn't trust her. _Violet probably thought Katie was okay too, _her mind raced. Addison gave one of the nurses a frantic expression as she passed by the door and wondered why the hell Pete, Cooper or Dell weren't in the kitchen getting their morning coffee.

"I don't want you to think I'm a crazy person that you need to call the police about. My coming here today doesn't make much sense. I know what you said and I believe it, I want to believe it. But I had to come and just apologize."

"You don't have to apologize," Addison stammered trying to regain her composure. "You have every right to ask the question. I just hope you believe me," Addison practically pleaded with the woman. _Please geezus, please believe it and then you and your husband need to get the hell out of my life, _Addison begged the woman in her mind.

"I do," Morgan said hesitantly. "I think I do."

Addison doubted the validity of the woman's comments because she barely believed the words herself. Morgan was talking in circles as if she was trying to work it out in her head and convince herself and Addison was babbling aloud to tell her, without telling her. The combination of the two wasn't a good match. _This is what Kevin was talking about, _she thought as a light bulb finally turned on it her head. _This is what I need to resolve. I don't believe myself when I say that nothing happened, because something happened … something very wrong happened. _Addison took a deep breath and turned at the counter to face her accuser.

"Good, Morgan, because whatever happened, I just … don't want to be that person," Addison said slowly trying to build her confidence. "It just makes things harder. Because whatever happened or," Addison waved her hand around to force her brain past the memory of making out with Noah in his office. "Or didn't ….I just hope you and Noah can work it out and have a nice … fam… life." Addison panted feeling oddly out of breath.

"I hope so too," Morgan replied in the most monotone distrustful tone a person could deliver. Morgan took a step forward and looked around the small room with a wild look in her eye.

The crazed expression didn't go unnoticed by Addison. She backed up against the counter and felt her breathing hitch in her throat. _This is exactly what Kevin warned me about, _she thought wondering why the hell security wasn't up there yet. She scrambled to remember which drawer held the knives and where that was in relationship to where Morgan was standing. Addison felt her chest tighten as she tried to take a few deep breaths to slow her breathing down, but the panicked feeling wouldn't go away.

Before Morgan could do or say another thing two security guards came crashing through the doors on both sides of the kitchen. Addison turned to face the cabinets and leaned against the counter to catch her breath. But it was useless, she gasped for air just as her vision started to blur and her world went to black.

…**!...**

"Addison? Addison, can you hear me?"

The voice sounded vaguely familiar as Addison opened her eyes and tried to focus at the fuzz in front of her. Slowly Pete's face came into focus and she realized she was lying on the exam table in his office.

"What happened?" she asked trying to sit up.

"Whoa, hold up," he said hanging onto her arm. "You fainted, easy," he added trying to slow her ascent.

With Pete's help, Addison moved from lying to sitting. She felt a little woozy and appreciated that he didn't let go of her arm while she tried to get her bearings. "Morgan?" she mumbled as she focused on the floor in front of her.

"Security escorted her from the building. They've been instructed to not let her back in," Pete remarked handing her a glass of water.

"Hmm," Addison grunted as she gulped the water down. "How long was I out?"

"Just a few minutes," Pete remarked just as Dell came in the door. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she muttered handing the glass back to him. "It just that she was accusing me of … and then I thought about Violet .. oh my god, what… where's Violet?" Addison asked with a panicked expression on her face.

"Cooper is with her," Dell replied as he circled the table to stand at her left shoulder. "She missed the whole thing, She was on the phone and then we ran some interference," he added trying to downplay the whole situation.

Addison ran her hand across her forehead in frustration or disbelief, she wasn't sure of the exact emotion that she was feeling at that moment. The pressure in her chest was overwhelming. _Stuff like this shouldn't be happening to me, _she tried to reason with herself. "I feel like I can't breathe," she whispered.

"Relax," Pete said to comfort her. He pulled the end of the bed up so it was in the reclined position and gently pushed Addison back against it. "Breathe normally, Addison," he added putting an oxygen mask over her face. "Close your eyes and clear your head."

"Dell, can you call Kevin to come and gayme?" she slurred as she succumbed to Pete's drone and closed her eyes.

…**!...**

Thirty minutes later, Addison was back in her office. Better hardly described the hollow feeling in her gut, in fact there wasn't any adjective that captured her true emotion. She felt like she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She was shaking and she couldn't concentrate and felt really sick to her stomach.

Addison checked her watch for the tenth time in fifteen minutes. _Kevin is on his way. He just called and said he was caught in traffic, _she reminded herself firmly. _Of course he could be lying. Dell woke him up out of a dead sleep, so he had to get up, get dressed, wake up enough to drive here. On a good day, he would have been here by now, so maybe he fell back to sleep after Dell called, _she thought standing up from her desk.

"Addison?"

The voice caused her to jump out of her skin. "Yeah?" she yelped looking toward the door. It was Dell.

"Sorry, sorry," he said holding his hands up in surrender.

"No, Dell, it's me, not you," she said leaning back against her chair. As much as she tried to pass it off that nothing was wrong, she couldn't quite pass it off. Just weeks after a crazy woman attacked Violet and stole her baby, another crazy woman was in their office accusing Addison of having an affair with her husband. _And try as I might, I have nothing to deny. I wanted to have an affair with her husband, but I didn't … because we didn't have sex. So I'm good, _she told herself again and again.

"I just wanted to tell you that Meg and I rearranged the schedule and we can cover your appointments for the rest of the day," he explained.

"Thanks Dell," she said nodding her head. She watched him back out of the door and practically run away down the hall. _Okay, even the midwife is scared of me, _she thought standing up from her desk. "Maybe I'll get some coffee ….or tea, I don't need anymore caffeine," she said walking toward the door of the office.

When she stepped into the hall, she heard the baby crying and walked down to Nay's old office to check on Luke. She turned the corner to walk in the door and caught Nay standing over the crib picking up the baby. _Oh great,_ Addison thought sucking in air.

"Oh, sorry …. I heard the baby crying," she stammered when she realized that Naomi was staring at her.

"Addison, are you okay?

_Why? _ Addison's mind went into alert. _What did they tell you? Is security gossiping by the water cooler? No, I'm not okay! I'm not going to be okay anytime soon. _The words formed in her head but never made it to her tongue. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"No you're not," Naomi said in that voice that screamed _I know you better than that. _"Addison, I went downstairs because I had to leave. I did it for me. It had nothing to do with you, it wasn't to hurt you."

Addison swallowed hard and shook her head. Naomi had no idea what she was going through and she couldn't tell her … because she … just couldn't tell her. Naomi wasn't her person anymore. "Its not about that," Addison informed her shaking her head.

"Then what?" Naomi pleaded with her. "Why can't you tell me?"

Addison watched the baby squirm in Naomi's arms and turned her head toward the kitchen. The sights and sounds of the room spiraled around her head like a out-of-focus picture. The suffocating feeling dropped down on her chest a thousand times worse than before and Addison fright or flight reflex kicked into high great.

"I can't … I just can't," Addison mumbled. She turned and ran for the exit stairs in the middle of the hall.

Five flights of stairs and a fifty yard dash to the front door. The warm California air did nothing to dispel the burn in her lungs. Addison was panting like she had run for miles as she darted through the crowd of men standing near the entryway. She couldn't shake the pressure beating down on her chest. _Where the hell was Kevin? _ her brain screamed as her lungs struggled to catch a breath.

Addison spotted an empty seat on the bench at the bus stop. She slid onto the warm aluminum seat and leaned forward on her thighs. Between her lungs burning and her stomach lurching, Addison wasn't sure if she was going to barf or pass out and it scared her half to death. _I'm Addison Forbes Montgomery Sheppard Montgomery, _she rambled in her head. _I don't have panic attacks at work. _ _I'm not that person. _

"Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison closed her eyes at the sound of the female voice and willed that it was only a dream. She opened them warily and glanced to her right. Morgan was standing next to her at the bus stop. She appeared just as she had in the office just minutes ago. The delusional glaze in her eyes, the fidgeting and agitated behavior was all still evident. Apparently being forcefully ejected from the building hadn't helped her mental condition much.

"Morgan," Addison gasped desperately trying to rein in her erratic breathing.

"All the way home I kept asking myself why I don't feel better," Morgan started to mutter without preamble. She crossed and uncrossed her arms at her chest and shifted her weight on her feet.

"Morgan, really," Addison groaned. _I'm not having this conversation again. If I can just get her back in the building. "_You want to come to my office?

"So you feel more comfortable?" Morgan drilled her. "So your personal security force can call the cops on me? I don't think so."

Addison stood up and tried to back away from the woman but before she could take a step Morgan was circling her, talking crazy.

"I know what you said … and you'd think that knowing your husband remained faithful would be okay and you'd get over it … but this is different. This is different. This is cardinal. Sex is forgivable. I could get over him having sex with you, if it was just a simple fuck because I was pregnant. Because I wasn't in the mood. But it's more than that …I see what this did to him and I see the look in your eyes. It's more than just sex isn't it?" Morgan rambled walking in circles and blocking Addison every time she attempted to get away.

"I checked the phone bill for the last few months. He called you nearly every day. He's called you every day since the baby was born. You walked out on my delivery! When I confronted you at the hospital …. you lied about the whole thing and then you tried to quit being my doctor and Noah, Noah talked you into staying on … because …. you. Did you … Do you love him?"

It wasn't a question as much as a demand. The words were frozen in the air between the two women. The sentiments about one man split between two women stabbed Addison right in the heart. She glanced around looking for someone to help her, but the men at the entryway were too far away and too tied up in their calls and Kevin wasn't anywhere in site. _And how many times have I found security standing outside for a smoke? Where the hell are they today? Didn't they see me run out? _ The unanswered questions flooded Addison's mind and she flipped into survival mode.

"I thought I did … Morgan, I thought I loved him, but it was wrong, so so wrong. Yes he calls me, but I don't take the calls. I don't speak to him at the hospital. I swear," Addison spat out quickly. She held her hands up in surrender. "Nothing happened between us."

"Because you didn't have sex?" Morgan screeched loudly. "Dammit. There's more to a relationship than just cheap sex Addison Montgomery! Do you even understand what a real relationship is? For the rest of my life, for the rest of my marriage, you're going to be there! Every time I lie with him in bed, every time he touches me I'm going to have to wonder who he's thinking about ….you or me! You think what you did was okay because you didn't have sex!!!! Any whore can fuck! I could get over you fucking my husband!"

As Morgan ranted at Addison she backed her up against the bench to the point where Addison was forced to sit down. Somehow Morgan managed to get her thigh between Addison's legs, pinning her to the seat. She waved her hands around frantically and then pointing her finger right in Addison's face.

"What you did was almost worse than having sex!"

Morgan smeared the words into Addison's face and then lingered with her hand just inches from Addison's throat. Waiting for Morgan's next move was the longest few seconds of Addison's life. Like yesterday in the kitchen, Addison was paralyzed in fear, unable to scramble away from this crazed female in front of her. The ranting and wild arm waving was starting to draw some mild attention from the bystanders but not enough to make anyone intervene.

After a moment, Addison got up the courage to slide down the bench and just when she started to move, Morgan hauled off and slapped her across the face. The smack caught her off guard and startled her more than it hurt. Addison put her hand to her face and watched in awe as Morgan stepped back and slowly walk away.

"Geezus," Addison muttered when she thought Morgan was out of ear shot. She felt her pulse racing and realized for the first time in minutes that she was hyperventilating again. The dizziness and tunnel vision returned with a vengeance and Addison leaned forward on the seat to try to gain some control on her facilities. But ducking her head forward to catch a breath had evil consequences.

…**!...**

"Is she going to be okay?" Kevin asked Pete when the man walked over to the bed where Addison lay.

"The CT is clear," Pete replied looking at the laceration above Addison's right eyebrow. A male nurse prepped the suture kit on the table next to Pete. He handed him a syringe filled with lidocaine. "Small pinch," Pete warned her before he injected her with the medication."

"I know the drill Pete," Addison growled. "Hmmmph," she hissed squeezing Kevin's hand just as the needle pierced the skin.

"Okay tuffy," Pete remarked setting the needle down. "I should be able to close this with two or three stitches. You'll need to ice it tonight to keep the swelling down." He picked up the suture instruments and turned Addison's head to the left as he started to stitch.

"I know how to take care of a bruise," Addison remarked. She closed her eyes while Pete worked and she didn't let go of Kevin's hand.

"Well, that's good, since you have several of them," Pete commented putting in a stitch. "The ribs are going to hurt for a few days and your wrist is sprained. Toby, could you get a brace for her?" Pete asked the nurse and watched as the man stepped away from the bed. "I'll write a script for ibuprofen. You'll need to keep the brace on for a week."

"I got it Pete," Addison grumbled. She opened her eyes and looked blankly at the bed rail. "Just because I was hit in the head doesn't mean I forgot how to treat a bruise or a sprained wrist."

"I see it didn't improve your disposition either," Pete replied. "I was giving the information to Kevin, since I know you won't follow your doctor's instructions."

"I'll make sure she plays nice," Kevin remarked. His fingers remained intertwined with hers.

"Where's Morgan?" Addison asked as Pete finished up with the stitches.

"She's on the jail floor waiting for a psych evaluation," Pete remarked as he pushed the suture tray out of the way. The nurse returned with the wrist brace and Pete took it out of his hand.

"Psych eval my ass," Kevin chuckled sadistically.

"Kevin, she's obviously suffering from post partum depression," Addison replied defensively.

Kevin shook his head. "I can't believe you're going to defend her after she bounced your skull off an aluminum bench," he blurted out with an incredulous expression on his face. "It took three guys to pull her off you! She needs to be in a straight jacket."

"You know …. someone could say the same of me at times," she scolded him. "Ouch," she moaned as Pete slid the brace on her wrist and adjusted it.

"You don't knock the crap out of defenseless women," he reminded her.

"Is that too tight?" Pete asked.

"No, it's good," Addison muttered. She looked out into the main ER room and visibly flinched. "Ugh, are we done? Can I go?" she asked anxiously.

Her apprehensiveness didn't go unnoticed by Pete and he casually glanced over his shoulder to see what was causing the latest bout of stress. He spied Noah standing at the far side of the nurse's station….waiting.

"You'll need to stay with her tonight. If she becomes disoriented, repeats the same question multiple times, is unable to sit or stand or you can't wake her, call 911 immediately and bring her in," Pete informed Kevin. "And don't let her argue, doctor's make the worst patients because they want to self treat."

Pete watched the nurse pull Addison's IV and put a band aid over the injection site. He helped her sit up and held her arm while she got her bearings. The nurse noticed the color draining from her face and stuck a basin under Addison's face just as she barfed up her lunch.

"Whoa!" Pete muttered calmly holding Addison's head as she heaved into the bucket. "Guess you weren't ready to go huh," Pete said calmly. He helped to settle Addison on the bed when she was done and placed an oxygen cup on her face. "Why don't you just relax for a few more minutes?"

This time, Addison didn't argue.

…**!...**

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Horrible 7.

Two days later.

The warm morning sun and the breeze did wonders for her disposition. Addison sat on her deck and soaked up the free vitamin D. She was almost at peace with herself and took her friends to get her there. _I needed my friends to get me there, _she repeated the words in her head.

Yesterday before her house guest left, Miranda Bailey had to tell Addison about herself. The fabled lesson wasn't a normal Dr. Bailey scolding. It was a story about when the deception really began. _He cheated on me from the moment he sent that first email. From the moment he shared intimate things with someone other than me. _ The words were clear in her memory and as much as Addison didn't want to believe it, both Miranda and Morgan were right. What Addison and Noah had done was worse than having sex.

The irony of the situation was this wasn't just about Noah. It applied to every man she ever loved. It was a key element of why those relationships never worked, why the trust bond had been broken and never repaired. How many men had Addison flirted with, shared intimate details with and nearly cheated with while with someone else? Derek's name and the hurt on his face haunted her memory. Kevin's questions and implied distrust pounded in her head. The ground rules in her new relationship all pointed to this exact thing. And for as educated as Addison was, she wasn't that smart about relationships.

_Kevin was right, I am damaged goods. _

"Breakfast is served," a familiar male voice said with a chuckle.

Addison laughed at the tray of food set in front of her. _A bacon and cheese McDonald's biscuit and over processed orange juice, _she noted as her favorite hotcop sat across from her.

"I see you went all out," she joked as she peeled the lid back on the drink.

"Only the best for my woman," he said.

Addison watched a smile creep across his face and the laugh lines form at his eyes. They shared a simple breakfast with quiet conversation and Addison watched it all from the outside looking in. When she lived in New York, she always envied those couples that found happiness in simple things: a shared meal at a small café, a walk in the park during sunset, a hot dog from a street vendor. _My life never let that be me … until now, _she considered.

"What are you thinking about?" Kevin asked her after a moment of silence.

"I was thinking ….," she paused and set down her biscuit. "I was day dreaming about us doing this fifty years from now. All wrinkled and gray," she admitted.

"Ugh, I hope McDonald's changes their menu by then," he laughed and then reached for her hand. "But the company can stay the same."

…**!...**

Addison exhaled slowly as the elevator doors opened on four. She stepped from the car and walked to the desk like she belonged. The receptionist directed her back to the office on the left. The décor of this place was the same as upstairs, but the atmosphere was entirely different. She slowed as she neared the door. _I need to do this, to close the door on this mess, _she reminded herself as she juggled her purse and her coat.

"Hey!" Addison called to Naomi as she leaned around the door. "Got a second?"

"Yeah, come in," Naomi replied, startled that Addison was even there.

The invitation was set, but Addison couldn't move. Stepping across that line was too risky at this moment. She needed distance to deliver her little speech. "Nay, you've done nothing wrong. This wasn't really about you leaving our practice. It was about me. I look at you and I see myself through your eyes and I feel like…," her voice trailed off and she adjusted the coat on her arm. Kevin's words of encouragement danced around her head and she looked her friend in the eye. "I feel like you're judging me."

"Addison, I'm not judging you," Naomi blurted out defensively.

"I know, I know," Addison replied firmly. She took a deep breath and mustered all her strength. "I know that you're not judging me, but I'm seeing it through your eye and I'm judging me. And it's easier to just take it out on you then having to deal with it myself."

_There, I said it, _Addison thought leaning against the door. _It didn't have anything to do with you …. It was that part of me that didn't want to face what I had done, so I just took it out on you …. like I took it out on Kevin weeks ago. Luckily he took me back, so maybe you will too. _The thoughts flowed freely through Addison's brain and it took a second for her to realize that she was still talking aloud to Naomi.

"….It took getting beat up by a scorned wife and a stern lecture by Miranda Bailey for me to finally understand it. But I needed to hear it … I needed to hear the horrible things that need to be said… because they need to be said."

She stopped rambling and looked at her friend. The woman sat quietly at her desk with a small smile on her face. She wasn't judging her as Addison had imagined these past few weeks. She probably had questions and wanted answers. And finally Addison was ready to give them.

"Want to sit down?"

THE END


End file.
